Writer's Pain

I think of all the things there are to do in this world and I shrink in upon myself in a small ball and peek out from one of the air holes to see if anything will inspire me to do one of them. So far very little budges me from my cozy nest.

Possibly fear ties me in cords tighter than the weather, which I use as my excuse to avoid life. I do gain a bit of life around spring, but that is months away. Books save me. They send me out into worlds without end and enable me to live even though it is vicariously.

Then there is the social media which allows me to be bright and cheerful from my computer keyboard without actually speaking to another person for weeks on end. I can read all about what others are doing and feel quite busy doing so--without myself doing a thing.

However, my newest form of escapism can be found in texting.  Yes, my phone now has the feature and I step outside my comfort zone and text. It empowers me! I have communicated with another being. I've put myself out there and wait anxiously for a reply. It is so frightening.

How did I reach this condition? Did I all of a sudden wake up one morning with it?

No, I think it was more gradual than that. First I began to ignore family designed events. The next love to go was music. I dearly loved to perform, and participate in many musical events. Then my voice deserted me and my children in choirs and musicals grew up and moved on. I grew out of the habit of going to musical events because I didn't want to go alone and I was afraid to ask anyone to go with me, or when I did ask, no one else wanted to go.

Yes, I think that is how it all began. I haven't been to a movie in over two years. That all started because I got cold in the theater. Then there weren't many movies that I could attend without sitting uncomfortably close to strangers. Last to go was matinees. Now I rent it or I don't see it.

Last of all to go is my writing. I spent three years pouring out my skill and imagination for stories that were to wing their way into the world and give me new friends and fans. Somehow that didn't happen through no fault of my own. I don't want to go into the heartbreak of it, but I haven't been able to do much since. It seems like I was pierced with the sword of disappointment and I never recovered.

There are bright spots in my exile. I am surrounded my family. My five children, and their children, strive to make me feel loved. They drag me out to watch kids and family events. They call often to keep me up to date on what is going on in their lives. My husband takes me on a date once a week. This breaks me out of my self-imposed prison at least.

I wonder how people climb out of such a place, and ask myself if I ever will. If you ever have, climbed out, I mean, I would love to hear from you about how you did it.